I’m On a Self-Self Help Plan

This is my year of abstinence. The rules are bendable. I can adapt them as I go.

I’m reminding myself of this fact because I need to do that right now.

My body hurts. In a moment of awareness, yesterday I broke down and accepted that I’m ill in a way that’s far from my baseline of “chronic illness.” It’s applicable to my current study of Zero Waste in that it’s just too hard to get enough food into my home right now by the rules I set for myself two weeks ago. So, I’m adjusting them.

Gently, in a way that feels genuine and true to the ethos of my study and the health of my body. In a way that’s not a cheat. In a manner I can live with. In a way that will help me sleep better tonight, knowing that tomorrow I won’t be putting my body in further harm by asking it to do what I know it should not.

Continue reading

Practicing Zero Waste… In a Body With Zero

On an alternative plane of time and space, I see myself:

I hand wash delicate handkerchiefs inherited from my mother, grandmother, and great-grandmother. I can see the sun through them where they hang, and I smile. It doesn’t hurt the muscles and joints in my arms and back to wring or lift them to dry.

I blend almonds and water into milk; my face erect, my movements quick and determined. The sound and dim stove light don’t threaten a migraine I’ve been tempering for days.

I spend an afternoon easefully popping into one store and another, stocking up on meat, and produce, and coffee, exploring cheerily with energy and gusto. I don’t spend day after day timidly moving from bed and then falling back.

I see her — that other me — clearly. Continue reading

Overwhelmed and my pulse is racing…

Was in CT for five days, too little sleep and up too early this morning, worked too many hours yesterday. Did tax stuff this morning, launched #MarchingWithMe, packed up the car, drove back to NYC, unpacked the car, did more #MarchingWithMe, finally ate and showered, now transcribing an interview for a piece that was due a million years ago, and prepping for a first date with a guy who, if last night’s phone call is to be considered, might turn out to be adorable.

My pulse is racing, head is pounding, and I only just realized I can’t blame it on the one cup of coffee I had at 8am. WonderWoman-ing... listing my ladies… breathing… happy, hopeful, but feeling a crash coming on. Breathing…

37 days later, I drink wine… and it hurts.

My head is fuzzy. And not in the good way.

I drank two glasses of wine last night. 37 days after I’d gone off of sugar.. A crisp, delicious Vermentino, at my favorite tiny Italian wine and oyster bar in the West Village,

They were a crisp Vermentino at Virgola, my favorite tiny Italian wine bar in the West Village. I slurped down oysters with a dear old friend, laughing about love and commiserating about work, thoroughly enjoying my divine white. I wasn’t tempted to order a third, and no irrational desire to gorge overtook me. I went home with a slightly spinning head, my tolerance obviously changed. But I thought, “Fun! No harm done!”

Then… sleep. Continue reading

No Sugar Challenge done! And I’m eating my words (again).

It’s December 5th. Officially, I can eat sugar and drink alcohol again. But I don’t want to.

The weird thing is–and I feel like I should just stop saying this already–this cleanse has brought me far more clarity than I’d expected. Last night, I had another moment of anxiety-riddled panic and was like, “I can get the brownie out of the freezer!”. But then I didn’t get the brownie out of the freezer!

This My Year Of… challenge needs an entire post devoted to takeaways. But as I’m headed down to Brooklyn to meet a colleague friend at Gumbo Brothers and then a pre-record of Love Bites before our live show, here’s the short of it:

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Two Weeks Off Of Sugar Gone… (and now accepting applications for a miracle…)

“I have a faint cold fear, thrills through my veins / That almost freezes up the heat of life…”

That’s one of Juliet’s lines from Romeo and Juliet, and it’s been popping up in my head a lot, lately. So I wax Shakespearean when the world turns on its side a bit–what about it?

Right now it’s because I literally have chills coursing under my skin, through my bloodstream, setting hairs on end, making my heart race, unsettling me. I don’t know how to define this feeling: not quite anxiety, or depression, or full-on apathy, or woe, or anger. It’s a bit of everything and nothing. Another week of waves. Of not quite understanding the world or my place in it. Of feeling triumphant and then depleted. Of being offered something loving and then not quite receiving it.

But wait, this is supposed to be about sugar. Continue reading

Pathetically defeated by the common cold…

Well, it’s more than that. 

Saturday, after two weeks of relentless work and then the world ending (if there was ever a time to be hyperbolic, this is it people), my body shut down. Several things hit at once — headaches, crushing bone pain, my period coming four days early (lady chromosomes are angry!), light sensitivity, intestines freaking out… and a head cold.

In 80% of cold remedies? Some form of sugar.

Shit. Continue reading

What 27-Day Program Will Fix These Stupid Chronic Illness Lifestyle Frustrations?!

My body is seething with something and I don’t know where to put it.

I don’t feel well. My joints hurt and words aren’t connecting quite right in my brain and my vision is just a littlebitoff and things are slightly fuzzy and there’s a weird electricity humming through my body, jolting in my hands and feet and settling around my heart and hardening my jaw and I’m tired and I can’t believe I feel like this again. Continue reading

I’m Not Texting This Weekend

A few months ago, I got pitched to write about the No Text Weekend, where people around the world pledge to not text (!) from 7pm Friday to 7pm Sunday this weekend.

If ever there was the pitch for me, I tell ya!

I immediately wrote about it for Bust, then approached the ladies running it, Allison Goldberg and Jen Jamula, about collaborating for Love Bites. They kicked ass with Ben last week when I was in the Acores (listen to it here, it’s one of my favorite episodes ever), and we planned an event where I’d host a panel discussion on texting and new relationships that would play live on Heritage as part of the Weekend’s events.

And now the weekend is here… Continue reading

On Illness and Buying Stuff

I’ve had a really fucking bad string of body days.

There’s no point in trying to detail it and, honestly, my brain can’t articulate the swings of symptoms or their severity right now anyway. I can barely focus on the computer screen.

But, lying in my childhood bed in Connecticut in the same room I’ve been sick so many times over 23 years (which never ceases to feel pathetic), I’ve just landed on something about spending money I hadn’t thought about before. Continue reading