I’m falling into bad habits again.
I’m scrolling feeds when I should be reading books. Sharing an experience in 140 characters when I should be absorbing it with unlimited thought. Feeding the receptors in my brain that light up when hit with certain information as I stupidly search profiles.
And that doesn’t work for me.
Here’s my deal: I have an extremely limited amount of energy right now. Everyone has a limited amount of energy; I just have less than most because of this illness stuff I deal with. I wish I had more but I don’t, and until I can change that I have to accept it and do the best I can with what I’ve got.
When I get too tired — from work or socializing or dating or doing the radio show or being with family — I feel particularly sick and depleted, and then I get vulnerable and emotional. It doesn’t matter from where the stimulation or (pleasant) distraction came; as soon as it has passed and the energy is gone, every negative sensation left in its wake has to be dealt with. Alone.
I understand that for some who deal with illness, connecting with others through social media helps. But for me, it doesn’t. It makes me feel more disconnected with my space, with my present, with my reality, with my body, and with processing through the reality of my physical and emotional feelings.
Tonight I realized that I’ve fallen back into the same habits I so blissfully moved on from after the 40-Day Social Media fast. I’ve been playing into the distraction. Scrolling upon waking. Stalking profiles. Missing the sky when I walk my dog. Looking to feel better through a world that doesn’t really exist.
So I’m out. For the weekend, at least. I have books to read and things to write and people to see, and I want to use my energy for good. I don’t think I have another 40-day fast ahead of me. But for the next 48 hours, I’m excited to live with my eyes open to what’s happening in front of me. Not narrowed down on what’s in my hands.