I’m having one of those days. One of those days where you need to blast Robbie Gil singing about having one of those days.
And yet I have no desire to bitch about it on social media. And I blocked the sites on my iPhone anyway.
This was supposed to be an entry, days ago, about how I wasn’t feeling well – like, was really really sick with symptoms. In those moments, the best thing for me is to be alone and in quiet so as to not have any unnecessary stimulation. But that also encourages feelings of loneliness and a yearning to connect.
So there I was, lying quietly with the TV on at my brother’s house, scrolling and scrolling Facebook and Twitter and not feeling, well, anything, from it. There wasn’t comfort. There wasn’t uplift. If anything, all that came of it was that I realized I was distracting myself from how shitty I felt, and not engaging with even the television or the dogs or a book. It wasn’t fulfilling. And I recognized that if I wanted to not slip back into the habit, I’d have to give myself an easier way to realize I was falling in the moment.
So I Googled how to block websites on your phone. And I went into my settings, and then into my restrictions. I enabled restrictions, and then added Twitter, Facebook, and OKCupid to the list of sites I’m not able to access unless I put in a code.
Yes, I can just type in a code to see them. But it’s that extra step — and the reminder that this is a choice I want to make for myself — that will make me take pause.
It’s working, so far. It feels better, again.
But now I’m having a shitty day, where I’m finding myself having to defend my words or actions when there’s really nothing, in reality, that’s gone wrong. Just simple work / internet / communication mumbo jumbo. It just feels more significant because I still don’t feel well, and I’m battling trying to get a lot done so that I can go to Portugal with my father next week, which is a scary prospect considering how I feel right now and how I’m still getting my energy back after going to Spain for only two days… a whole month ago.
I want to vent my frustration. I almost took to Twitter, just to toss up a snarky sentence and be done with it.
But would it really help? Would it take away the emails I still have to face? The patching I need to do to make sure these professional relationships continue smoothly? The pieces I need to write before next Friday? The doctor appointments I need to make it through this coming week? The days of hermiting myself away so that I can physically do all this, and the unavoidable treks into the world that have to happen, too?
No. It wouldn’t.
So, instead, I’m venting in this journal. Yes, I get that this journal is now public. Which means in a way I’m venting into the void anyway. But, like I told myself when I decided to go on this abstinence journey and, again, when I decided to put this journal up on a blog, the purpose is to track how these mediums make me feel. And I’m feeling a lot of relevant things right now. So here you are, Jacqu.
PS: I’ve decided that I need new jeans and a pair of Tom’s for Portugal. I’ve debated, and I didn’t get the Tom’s for Barcelona because I didn’t need sneakers for that trip. But I’m going to be on islands with fluctuating weather, and I’ll need slip-on sneakers, which I don’t own, and a pair of light-weight jeans, which I don’t have right now since all my jeans are either the heavier winter kind or don’t fit. So that’s happening. But it’s not superfluous to make me feel better. And they’re smart, necessary purchases. So, there. Yeah.